


Lead me not into Temptation

by mostvillainsneedhugs



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A Lot of Plot, AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blasphemy, Bottom Dean, Cas hates his feelings, Cas punches jesus, Cas-centric, Castiel Angst, Castiel Being an Idiot, Child Abuse, Coming Out, Dean - Freeform, Dean/Castiel - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, Forbidden Love, Gabriel Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Gabriel Ships It, Gabriel is a good guy, Gay Bashing, God - Freeform, Going crazy with these tags, Homophobia, Homophobic John, Homophobic Language, Human, Human Castiel, Human Gabriel, Human Kali, Hurt Castiel, Impala Sex, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Masturbation, Mentions of incest, Mentions of non-con, Multiple chapters, POV Castiel, Parent/Child Incest, Past Benny Lafitte/Dean Winchester, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Porn With Plot, Priest AU, Priest Castiel, Priest!AU, Protective Gabriel, Religion, Religion Kink, Religious Conflict, Religious Content, Religious Guilt, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Self-Discovery, Sex in the Impala, Smut, They're not brothers, Top Castiel, Top!Cas, Winchester - Freeform, Zachariah Being a Dick, bottom!Dean, but they're bros, cas, castiel - Freeform, child molestation, mentions of child abuse, mentions of under age sex, religious homophobia, self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-16
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-02-09 04:34:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1969257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostvillainsneedhugs/pseuds/mostvillainsneedhugs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel Novak is a young Catholic Priest, hopeful, and just trying to do some good. He is everything that a Priest should be. Kind, faithful, and loyal to the church. But he is also a homosexual, and loving a man is a sin he just can't resist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is HEAVILY based off of the 1994 movie 'Priest'. Dialogue and scenes are taken directly from the movie. 
> 
> There will be mentions of rape/non-con and also child-molestation and incest. None of it happens on screen, but it will be talked about. I tried to name any and all triggers in the tags.
> 
> I am not religious and I don't share many of the views taken by the characters. All I know about the Catholic religion is what i learned in the hell called catholic school.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link to Cover Art
> 
> http://mostvillainsneedart.deviantart.com/art/Lead-Me-Not-Into-Temptation-Cover-476827335?ga_submit_new=10%253A1408505897

A church bell tolled in the distance, as a thin lipped, balding man smiled cruelly at Father Robert Singer. “We feel early retirement will be the most suitable thing for you.”

Father Singer stared at him in disbelief,  “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Zachariah Adler continued to smile. “You can stay on here at St. Mary's for a few more months… Say- ‘till January.” He stood and walked around his large wooden desk, which was much too extravagant for his field of work, until he was standing next to Father Singer. “It's time to move on, Old Son.”

Bobby just stared at Zachariah in shock. He had been dedicated to the Church practically his whole life!  Ever since his father had drunk himself to death when he was a young boy. And now he was being tossed out on his ass like dog shit on an old pair of shoes.  “I couldn’t agree more.”  He shot back as he stood up to leave. As he promised himself that St. Mary’s would pay.

 

***

 

Zachariah scowled at the utter mess that Bobby Singer had left in his wake. The short man standing next to him shook his head at the shattered remains of the broken window on the floor. “Jesus Christ on a crutch, what the hell did you say to the old Bastard?”

Zachariah sniffed. “I told him he was being replaced. Was going to do it in a few months, but he was getting to be a bit too… controversial.”

The short man snorted. “And I’m not?”

“You don’t condone sin.” Zachariah pointed out, glancing down at the heavy metal cross that was the cause of the broken window. “There's a young priest named Castiel Novak in Chicago. He wants to come up here to Lawrence, take advantage of the rural environment.”

The short man nodded, thoughtfully. ”What's he like?”

Zachariah looked at his companion. “More orthodox than you.”

The short man snorted and took a piece of candy out of his pocket. “That’s hardly an accomplishment.”

 

***

 

Castiel Novak stood in front of the door leading to his new living quarters. He had two suitcases, and a relatively new laptop. Reaching out he pressed his finger to the doorbell, wincing as the loud chime was followed by a thump and the sound of someone cursing.

The door swung open and Castiel found himself face to face with a scruffy looking man, whose features were more suited to a scrap yard than to a man of the church. “You Novak?”  

The smell of cheap whiskey assaulted Castiel’s nose and he fought the urge to gag. “Yes, hello.” He held out his hand. The scruffy man barely glanced at it before turning around and heading back into the building.

“Well, you might as well come on in.”

Castiel quickly gathered his bags and followed the man inside. He was led up a set of narrow stairs and into a suite-like area. The scruffy man walked to a door and opened it. “There are two bedrooms, one bathroom, a living room and a kitchen area. This’ll be your room. It was mine, but now it’s yours.” Castiel nodded and dragged his bags past him, catching another whiff of alcohol as he set them down on the floor.

“Thank you, Mister…?”

“Singer. Father Robert Singer.”

“Father Singer… thank you.”

Father Singer shrugged. “Don’t thank me. This wasn’t my decision.”

Castiel’s mind suddenly flashed back to the trashcan full of broken glass that had been sitting outside the front door. “Why did you do it?”

“Do What?”

“Whatever you did to cause all that glass to break.”

Father Singer looked at Castiel as if for the first time. “Because I was fired.”  He answered, bitterly.

Castiel squinted at the man in front of him. Though Father Singer seemed to lack certain manners, he didn’t seem like the sort of man to throw a temper tantrum for no good reason. “Well, we've all got to go eventually-“

Father Singer shook his head, interrupting Castiel. “It was the way that he did it.”  He explained.  “I gave the Church my life. In return, I get a cup of weak instant coffee, and, ‘it's time to move on, Old Son." Father Singer sighed and Castiel looked him, in pity. ”He looked up from what he was writin’, smiled and says, ‘it's time to move on, Old Son.’”  Bobby scoffed to himself and shook his head.

“I’m sorry.” Castiel had no idea how to offer his sympathies without using such a generic phrase. “If there’s anything I can do to help, Father Singer-“

“Bobby.” Father Singer interjected, looking at Castiel with tired eyes. “My name’s Bobby. Ain’t a Father no more.” Bobby then put his hand into his pocket and pulled out a flask and a set of keys giving the keys to Castiel. “These are yours now.”  Castiel carefully took the keys and Bobby lifted his hand and patted Castiel’s shoulder, and took a long drink from his flask.

“I hope you treat this church just as good as I did.” Bobby gave Castiel’s room one long last look and then, with not as so much one last glance at Castiel, he turned and walked out of the room. Castiel could hear his heavy footsteps travel down the stairs and the sound of a large wooden door opening and closing.

Castiel sighed and briefly shut his eyes. The silence that surrounded him was almost deafening, and he relished it. He walked into the tiny kitchen and sank heavily into a wooden chair. After the loud hustle and bustle of Chicago, Lawrence, Kansas was practically a ghost town, and he loved it. But his peace was short-lived.  Castiel was barely alone for ten minutes before he heard the door from downstairs open. Assuming that it was Bobby singer coming back to collect something that he had forgotten, Castiel stayed put.

“Castiel Novak?” Castiel jumped, not expecting the smooth voice that definitely did not belong to Bobby Singer.

“Yes. Hello.” Castiel stood and held his hand out to the short man that was standing in front of him.

“Hi.” The short man smiled and grasped Castiel’s hand in a surprisingly strong handshake. “Sorry I wasn't here to meet you. I’m Father Gabriel Milton. Just Gabe to you though.” Gabriel winked and Castiel found himself smiling.

“You already knew that my name is Castiel Novak.”  

Gabriel laughed. “That I did. Oh! And this lovely lady is, Kali Ratri.”

Castiel glanced behind Gabriel and was surprised to see another person standing there. “Hello, Kali.”

Kali merely nodded in greeting and then slunk away. Gabriel looked after her fondly. “She doesn’t talk much at first, but she’ll warm up to you after a while.”  He explained, noticing Castiel’s confused expression.

“I remember when we first met I had to fight tooth and nail to even get a smile out of her!” Castiel just smiled politely, not exactly sure how to respond. Gabriel noticed his awkwardness and his bright smile dimmed.  He cleared his throat. “So, uh, tea?” He offered.

Castiel perked up. He hadn’t had good tea since he left Chicago. “That would be nice, thank you.”

“Right.” Gabriel motioned for Castiel to sit back down as he started to bustle around the kitchen opening and closing drawers. “Kali is always hiding the tea.” He said, by way of explanation. “Seems to think that it’ll keep me sharp.”

Castiel nodded. “So, um… Is she our housekeeper?”  He questioned, cautiously.

“Yup.” Gabriel chirped, finally locating the tea.

It was silent in the kitchen again, save for the clinking sounds of mugs being rinsed and set on the counter. Gabriel filled the mugs with water and stuck them into an ancient looking microwave before sitting across from Castiel and fixing him with a look.

“It's an article of faith, isn't it?  Somewhere between transubstantiation and…  Papal infallibility that housekeepers have to be ugly.”

Castiel felt his face flush with shame. “Sorry.”  He muttered.

Gabriel shrugged and dug something out of his pocket. “It’s not nice to judge.” He popped whatever was in his pocket into his mouth. “You gotta remember never to judge, because you never know what you may be missing out on.” He sucked wistfully on the thing in his mouth until the microwave beeped, signalling that their tea was ready.

 

***

 

Sunday morning found Castiel standing at the front of his new congregation. The people in the pews stared up at him, carefully hiding their judgmental expressions behind studious masks. Castiel took it all in stride. He knew that a town like Lawrence, Kansas would take a while to accept a newcomer from a big city.

Castiel cleared his throat and spoke so his voice echoed throughout the church. “Funny word, isn’t it… Scapegoat?” He smiled softly at the pews. “The term dates back to an old Jewish custom. They used to invest all the sins of the tribe into a goat, and then they would kick it in the rear end so it escaped into the hills taking all the sins with it.” Castiel paused and the sound of skeptical murmurs reached his ears. Taking a deep breath he continued with his Sermon. “And we've got our own Scapegoat today. It's that mythical beast called society. Drug addiction; alcoholism; gambling; prostitution; violence… These are not the sins of man anymore-these are not the fault of the individual anymore. They are the fault of Society.” Castiel fell silent, breathing heavily. He could tell that he had the full attention of the congregation. “And I just can’t understand that.” The only sounds heard now in the church was the quiet fidgeting of restless children and the rustling of pages turning. Castiel fought to keep himself from smiling. This Church would be a new start.

“Please turn now to Peter, Verse 5 paragraph 8- ‘Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour…’.”

***

 

Later, after the Church had cleared and everybody had gone home to Sunday lunch, Castiel sat across from Gabriel at the kitchen table. “So,” he said tilting his head at the other priest. “What did you think of the sermon?”

Gabriel gave a humorless laugh. “It was… interesting.”

A wave of disappointment washed over Castiel. “You didn't like it.” He hadn’t realized how much Gabriel’s opinion had mattered to him until this moment.

Gabriel shrugged. “Honestly, I found it offensive.”  He deadpanned. “You expect less of people because they’re poor, Castiel.” He fixed Castiel with a hard stare, the ever-present smile still on his face. “I find that offensive, and more than a little bit patronizing.”

Castiel pursed his lips and looked down at his hands. “What do you propose I talk about then?”  He asked.

“That’s something you gotta figure out for yourself, Cassie.” Gabriel took a piece of candy out of his seemingly bottomless pocket. “Why don’t you sit with the Congregation during the night service? See if you get any inspiration?”  Castiel considered this and then nodded.

“I might just do that.”  A pause.  “What are you going to speak about?”  Castiel asked, curiously.

“That, my dear colleague, is a surprise.” Gabriel winked and stood, grabbing a canvas jacket off of the back of his chair. “I need to make a house call, will you be cool fixing dinner for yourself? If you can’t find anything, you can just call Kali and have her come over.”

Castiel nodded. “Thank you but I’m sure it won’t come to that.”

“Great!” Gabriel flashed Castiel a quick grin and quickly left. “See you at the night sermon!”

“Goodbye.”  Castiel called out, But Gabriel was already out the door.

The silence that filled the kitchen was a relief. Castiel greatly valued his quiet time and living with Gabriel, even if only for a couple of days, had greatly reduced it. Gabriel was kind, but he was also loud and talkative. And when he wasn’t talking either the radio was playing or the television was showing one of the slapstick comedies that Gabriel enjoyed so much.

Planning on taking advantage of his alone time, Castiel retreated to his room. Though he knew that no one was home, Castiel made sure that the door was closed tightly behind him, before slowly shucking his body of clothes. Once naked, Castiel climbed on top of his bed, pulling his laptop and a pair of headphones from his bedside table.

His heart beating furiously with nervousness and anticipation as he opened his laptop and typed in a link that had been burned into the most secret part of his mind.

The screen filled with graphic images of huge cocks and men’s faces, splattered with cum. Castiel scrolled down, feeling his dick hardening as he took in the thumbnail images and the accompanying words. Phrases like ‘Skinny Twink Takes BBC’ and ‘Hot Bareback Threesome’ leapt out at him and Castiel licked his lips, eyes searching hungrily for a video that would sate his appetite until the next time he could relieve himself.

After clicking through a few pages, Castiel found a video that he was sure would do the trick. Even just seeing the thumbnail photo made his cock twitch. He clicked on the link to the video titled; ‘The Pizza Man’ and his headphones immediately filled his ears with generic porn music.

A man in an obscenely tight Pizza man uniform that showed off his rather impressive package-and a baseball cap was strutting towards the camera. He seemed to make direct eye contact with Castiel as he stopped directly in front of the camera and started rubbing and teasing at the, rather large, bulge in his pants.

Castiel watched eagerly as The pizza man stroked himself to a full erection that was now straining against his tight red shorts.

Then there was a scene change and The pizza man was  standing in front of a door, much more composed, and holding a large pizza box. He rang the doorbell and a blonde man in a bathrobe opened it. ‘Can I help you?’  The blonde man asked.

‘Yeah. I’m here to deliver this large sausage pizza.’

‘I didn’t order a pizza.’

‘Well, I was told to deliver a large, sausage pizza to West 69 Avenue, and this is West 69 Avenue.’

‘I already said I didn’t order a pizza… but I wouldn’t say no to a large sausage.’

With the less than mediocre introduction over, the two men started to kiss and grope at each other. It was messy and rough and just the kind of pornography that got Castiel going.

He reached back into his bedside table and pulled out a jar of petroleum jelly, then he fast-forwarded to the middle of a sloppy blowjob. The pizza man was holding the robed man by his jaw, and forcing his cock deeper down his throat, gagging him.

Castiel let out a quiet moan. This was exactly what he needed. He coated his hand in the petroleum jelly and slowly started to stroke himself as he watched the scenario on his laptop screen.

Castiel panted as he watched the robed man get yanked to his feet and turned around so that his hole could be eaten out by the pizza man. Castiel’s mouth watered. How he longed to take the pizza man’s place so that he could run his tongue over that sweet, sweet asshole.

‘Are you ready for my “Large Sausage”?’ The pizza man asked, and Castiel found himself moaning ‘yes’ along with the blonde man in the video. The pizza man began to vigorously fuck the Bottom and the camera view switched to POV. “Oh, fuuuuuck…” Castiel’s hand on his cock matched the pace of the pizza man’s pistoning hips and he imaging that it was he who was doing the fucking.

He closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of the channel of his slick hand and the satisfied sounds of the Bottom in the video. If he just tightened his hand a little bit, he could almost convince himself that he was thrusting into a hot willing body, flushed with need, dripping with sweat.

He could be with anyone… a handsome man coming in for a confession but ending up bent over one of the pews. They would beg for his cock, and choke out lines of prayers, begging for forgiveness-for daring to fornicate in a church, for committing sodomy in a House of God… The man would gasp out ‘Father Novak, please forgive me’ and Castiel would reply, ‘You are absolved of all your sins’ as he pumped his dick in and out of the willing body, baptizing their insides with his-

Holy sweet Mother of God, yes! Castiel arched off of his bed, jerking his wrist furiously. He was coming hard, painting his hand and stomach with thick gobs of semen.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.” Castiel panted, shuddering as he milked the last drops of cum from his slowly softening cock.  

The video continued to play, but Castiel had lost interest. He slowly lifted himself from the bed and began to clean the sticky fluids from his body with his discarded underwear. After clearing his Internet history and stuffing his ruined underwear to the bottom of his laundry, Castiel dressed and made his way to the chapel, where he would wait for the night sermon and pray for forgiveness.

“O,glorious Lord in Heaven… Prince of All, Please…Guide me on my journey, and comfort me when I am afflicted with unholy lust, and lose control with my unnatural perversions, and have blasphemed. Please heal my soul and protect me from temptation.”  Castiel paused, letting out a deep breath, lifting his hand up to do the holy sign across his chest. “In the name of the Father, the Son, And the Holy Spirit.  Amen.”

 

-

 

“The creation of mankind only started on the sixth day.” Gabriel spoke in a loud clear voice that rang out through the church, much more crowded now than it had been that morning. Gabriel sounded as if he were right beside Castiel, even though he sat in the very back pew.

“And it hasn't stopped yet. We're taller than we were a thousand years ago… at least most of us are.” Gabriel paused to let the people in the pews laugh. “We're fitter, faster… we live longer. We're better educated, more informed. So, creation is an ongoing process. And if you interfere with it, aren't you spitting in the face of God?” Gabriel strode out into the aisle that divided the church in half. “If you exploit your work force, don't you spit in the face of God? If you kill and maim, or throw people out of their homes for any reason, or turn your back on the elderly, are you not shunning creation? If you shut down schools and hospitals, force people out on the streets- in fact, if you do anything to prevent even one single human being reaching their full potential, aren't you interfering in creation, and figuratively stepping on the very first fish that wandered out of the ocean and up onto the earth?”

The artificial lights gave Gabriel a unearthly glow and he looked so much like one of the renaissance paintings of Archangels that hung in Castiel’s bedroom growing up.

”Don’t step on that fish, Folks. Big things are in store for that fish… that fish called Humanity. That's what I believe.”  Gabriel continued. “That's my truth. That's what made me become a priest, and makes me remain a Priest.” Gabriel stopped talking, breathing heavily. The congregation stared up at him, respect radiating out of every pore of their bodies. Suddenly, Gabriel smiled and the restless energy bled out of his body. “The peace of the Lord be with you always.”

The congregation spoke in unison. “And also with you.”

“Let us offer each other the Sign of Peace.”

Castiel stood with the rest of the congregation, and started shaking hands, murmuring “Peace be with you,” as he did so, feeling the sticky remnants of guilt when the people respectfully replied “And also with you, Father.”

The rest of the Service passed without any more lively rants, though the Bible passages Gabriel read from seemed random to Castiel, and out of context.

When the Sermon was over and the congregation split off into cliques to chat, Castiel made his way back into the living quarters where Gabriel was smiling and laughing with Kali.

“Well?” Gabriel grinned brightly at Castiel as he entered. Castiel did not smile back.

“That wasn't a sermon. It was a political broadcast on behalf of the labor party.”

Gabriel raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Well, I believe that there's Social Sin, and there's Personal Sin. And I personally  think we should put more emphasis on society.”

Castiel shook his head stubbornly. “There's just sin. You can't change the rules just because they don't suit you.”

“Are you judging him?” Castiel looked at Kali. This was the first time that she had spoken in front of him and he can’t say that he was particularly pleased at the moment.

“Can you make her leave?” Castiel ground out, looking back at Gabriel.

Gabriel gave Castiel a calculating look before gently nudging Kali out of the living room. “I’ll call you in later.”

Kali scowled but nodded, stalking towards the kitchen, shooting Castiel a look of loathing as she passed him.

Gabriel watched her leave with an odd look on his face, before turning back to Castiel. “Beer?”  He offered. Castiel shook his head, and Gabriel let out a soft chuckle. “I thought not.” He picked a bottle up from the coffee table and sat in a worn armchair, motioning to the empty chair across from him. “Well, sit down. I’m going to tell you a story.” Castiel took the seat while Gabriel opened his beer and took a long pull.

“I lived in South America for four years. In the village that I stayed in, you had to have a woman, otherwise you were ignored. So I got one,” Gabriel snapped his fingers. “ASAP.”

“Where is she now?”

“Probably where I left her.”

“She served her purpose?”

Gabriel smirked. ”Well, that's what you wanna hear, isn't it?” Castiel stayed silent. “You're very certain of yourself, aren't you, Cassie?” Castiel didn’t answer and Gabriel peered at him. “Well, good for you, ’cause I’m not.” There was another pause and another long drink of beer. “A few months in this parish, and you'll be a lot less certain too.” Castiel scoffed, and Gabriel gave a half-hearted shrug. “I’ve seen other Priests, and in a few years you'll be just as confused. Between those middle-aged trendy lefties jumping up with excitement every time a factory closes... or a war breaking out…Just wait a little longer and you might learn a little bit of humility.” Gabriel laughed darkly. “You’ll be spiritually empty, feasting on other people's misery, fighting other people's fights-anything to fill the emptiness inside.”

“We're Priests!” Castiel snapped. “We are not social workers!” Castiel suddenly found himself standing, looming over Gabriel. “Sacraments; reconciliation; moral guidance; that is our job.”

Gabriel snorted, leaning back in his chair. “Moral guidance? For God's sake, Castiel-“

“What would you know about moral guidance anyway?” Castiel growled. “A Priest with a bit on the side.”

“If you're going to judge, you should know all the facts.”

Castiel jumped. He hadn’t heard Kali come back into the living room. He turned to face her, and was instantly afraid. The look on her face was hard and angry. It reminded Castiel of the Pagan God’s that he had once read about. Cold and merciless. “We love each other.” Kali continued. “He's asked me to marry him. And you know, Castiel,” She spat his name like it was poison. “That means he has to leave the priesthood, so I told him ‘no’.”

Castiel swallowed. “That’s very selfless of you-”

Kali laughed cruelly. “It’s not because I'm some sort of Martyr. I said no because one day he might regret it, and I don't want to see that look in his eyes if he does, and I don’t want to know that I was the one who put that look there in the first place.” Kali took a deep, shuddering breath and shut her eyes tightly before opening them again to glare at Castiel.

“And another thing. I seduced Gabriel. He didn't seduce me. If there’s anything else you need to know, I'll be in the kitchen washing your pots and pans, and taking care of your dirty laundry.”

 

***

 

Several weeks passed and, slowly but surely, Gabriel began to warm back up to Castiel. Even Kali became less hostile, though he was sure that she purposefully burned his eggs every morning. The congregation even became more welcoming. Missouri Mosely, a widow with a sharp tongue and a no nonsense attitude, often invited him over for Sunday dinner, and whenever he would walk past the playground children would call him over and insist that he show them how to make grass whistles and flower chains. Castiel had honestly never felt more fulfilled in his entire life. Certain things were still missing though.

Castiel would often find himself thinking longingly about his laptop and the blasphemous videos and pictures that made him feel more revived than prayer ever could.

Castiel planned it with great detail. What ‘it’ was, was an outing-a night on the town-so to speak. He had done his research and he had found a bar that met his needs perfectly. It was far enough to make sure that he wouldn’t run into anyone he knew, but it was close enough so that he wouldn’t be traveling for more than two hours.

Late that night, after Gabriel had gone to bed with Kali and snores filled the small apartment, Castiel pulled an outfit from the back of his closet. Even if he did run into someone he knew, he doubted that they would recognize him in his ‘bar-clothes’.

Castiel arrived at The Roadhouse at exactly 11:46pm, and by 12:01 he was knocking back his second drink and beginning to look around for potential bedmates. He placed his now empty glass down on the bar top and called for the bartender for a refill.

“Make that two.”  Another voice said from behind him.  The bartender nodded and turned around to prepare the drinks.

Castiel spun around to see who this mysterious voice belonged to and found himself face to face with bright green eyes, a bright smile, and a faceful of freckles.

“I’m Dean.”  The green-eyed man said, holding out his hand with a kind smile.

Castiel took the hand offered and was pleasantly surprised by the warm grip and rough texture. “C-Jimmy. My name is Jimmy.” Castiel was honestly at a loss for words because Jesus-Christ-on-a-tortilla, this man was fbeautiful.  With plush, bitable, lips and shoulders muscles that could have only been sculpted by the likes of a Greek God.

“Hey there, Jimmy.” Dean chuckled and glanced, almost coyly, at the ground. “Not gonna lie… the last time someone looked at me the way you are right now… I couldn’t walk straight for days.”  Fuck.

“Is that so?” Castiel asked, voice dropping to a low growl.

Dean gulped and nodded. “Yeah.”

Castiel found himself grinning. The thought ‘this is going to be so much fun!’ running through his mind on repeat.

He could already feel himself buzzing with adrenaline. Castiel tore his gaze away from the wide green eyes when the mullet-haired bartender heavily set two glasses full of amber liquid in front of them.

Taking his glass and quickly draining it Dean seemed to gain back some of his former bravado. “So, what brings you here?”

Castiel shrugged. “I’ve been… tense lately and I’m looking for an outlet.”

Dean nodded, looking thoughtful. “Wanna get out of here, Jimmy?”  He asked, a sly, sultry, smirk transforming his features.

Castiel smiled back.  “Lead the way.”

At 12:32am Castiel kneeled behind Dean, spreading his hands over the two fleshy mounds of his ass. Castiel licked his lips as he spread Dean’s cheeks and drank in the sight of the furled muscle, fluttering as Castiel’s hot breath ghosted over it.

“You gonna do something Jimmy, or are you gonna spend all night starin’ at me?”  Dean asked cheekily, arousal evident in his voice.

“I don’t get to do this often.” Castiel rumbled, continuing to stare.

“You married or somthin’?”  Dean asked, skeptically.

“Or something.” Castiel mumbled,  spittin at Dean’s hole and pressing his thumb into the glistening pucker. Dean moaned and clenched his muscles, sucking Castiel’s thumb into his body.

“God, yes.” Dean hissed as Castiel pressed his thumb deeper inside of him. “Your hands are so fucking great. I bet you’re a teacher with hands like that.”

Castiel hummed thoughtfully. “Of a sort. I wonder if I could fit the whole thing inside...”

A shudder wracked Dean’s body and he let out a moan that shook Castiel to the core. “You gotta fuck me now Jimmy, or I’m gonna’ cum.”

“You could orgasm from just one finger in your ass?”

“What can I say? You’re hot and I already told you, you got great hands.”

Castiel let a smug smile spread over his face. Anticipation filled his veins and he could already tell that he would be satisfied for a long time. “I can’t wait to fuck you.”  He growled, kneading Dean’s ass with the palm of his hand.

“What’s stopping you?”

“Hush.” Castiel gave Dean’s cheek a quick slap and reveled in the needy moan that followed. “I already told you that I don’t get to do this often. I want to take my time… savor it.”

Dean gave a breathy laugh. “How pissed is your wife gonna be?”

Castiel didn’t answer. Instead he pressed his mouth to Dean’s asshole and roughly shoved his tongue inside, blind and deaf to everything that wasn’t the taste of Dean and the moans that Castiel was ripping from him. Castiel sucked and licked and prodded until Dean was a blubbering mess and his jaw was sore.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Dean panted, arching his back and gripping the sheets tightly with his hands.

Castiel growled and sat up on his knees. “I could eat you out for hours, you taste so good.” Castiel began to rub his dick in-between Dean’s cheeks, coating it with sweat and saliva, making the slide so much better.

“I’m going to fuck you so damn good.” He promised, grabbing Dean’s hips and pulling him impossibly closer. “I’m going to fuck you so good, that you’ll be ruined forever. I’m going to make you so damn wet and sloppy, your ass will feel like a pussy.” Castiel didn’t know what he was saying anymore. He only knew that his words were turning Dean into a mess, making him press his ass even closer to Castiel’s dick and grinding against it like a cat in heat.

“Fuck me, Jimmy… fuck me good. C’mon, right now. I’ll take it all!” Dean was a panting wreck at this point, and Castiel couldn’t resist anymore. Steadying his cock with one hand, Castiel rolled a condom on and then pressed the tip to Dean’s tight hole and began to push inside.

“Yessssss!” Dean moaned, pushing back and forcing Castiel deeper into his body. “That’s it, Jimmy! Fuck me just like you promised!”

Castiel growled and shoved the rest of his erection into Dean’s asshole. “Stop being so bossy.” He palmed Dean’s bottom before giving it a hard smack. “I’m in charge here.” Dean opened his mouth to respond but was cut off as Castiel gave a particularly hard thrust, slamming into his prostate, pulling a high-pitched gasp out of the man underneath him. Castiel noted the angle and made sure to hit the same spot over and over again, mercilessly driving himself into Dean and making the headboard of the bed thump loudly against the wall with every lunge of his hips.

“Jimmy! Oh God, I’m coming! I’m coming!” Dean gasped out, spilling his seed over the bedspread. Dean’s asshole tightened over Castiel’s cock as he came and Castiel flew into a frenzy, rutting into Dean’s rear like an animal and shoving him up the bed. Castiel draped himself over Dean’s back, thrusting even deeper into the body underneath his. His orgasm was rushing towards him like a bullet, but Castiel needed this to last. He needed to feel Dean’s body clench and quiver around his for at least a little while longer.

“Is this good?” Castiel rasped into Dean’s ear. “Am I keeping my promise?”

“Yes!” Dean choked out. “God, it’s so good!”

A jolt of electricity ran through Castiel’s body. “Say that again!”  He commanded.

“Your cock feels so good inside of me-“

“No.” Castiel gasped out, slowing his thrusts to a deep grind. “Say ‘God’ again… I want you to take the Lord’s name in vain. I want you to blaspheme.”

“Good God.” Dean moaned. “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you fuck so fucking good…”

“Keep going.” Castiel ground out. He was so close, so fucking close to coming it was almost painful. “Pray! Can you pray for me Dean?”

Dean whimpered, clenching and unclenching his hole. It felt so good that Castiel almost wept. “Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name-“

“Keep going!, Oh, God keep going…”

“Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this-fuck-give us this day our daily bread-“

“I’m so close…”  Castiel breathed, slamming his hips into Dean as Dean continued reciting the prayer.

“And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation-“

“Don’t stop!”

“But deliver us-oh, fuck yeah, right there- but deliver us from evil-“

“Fuck!” Stars erupted across Castiel’s vision and blood roared in his ears and he swore that his very soul rushed out through the tip of his dick and into the latex sheath that covered it. “Fuck…” He repeated, slumping down.

“You can say that again.” Dean sighed, rolling so that he faced Castiel. “Hey.”

“Hello Dean.”

Dean smiled fondly at Castiel. “That was… amazing. Best sex of my life.”  He declared.

“I’m glad you thought so. It was quite good for me as well.”

Dean smirked. “I could tell. If you don’t mind me asking, are you Catholic?”

Castiel froze. He suddenly remembered who he was, what he had just done, and what type of person he was with. “Yes.  I am.”

Dean chuckled and ran his hand tenderly through Castiel’s hair. “Thought so. The whole Lord’s Prayer thing sort of gave it away.” He brought his mouth close to Castiel’s and kissed him deeply. “We all got our kinks. I’ll have to show you some of mine someday.”

Castiel nodded stiffly. “Yes, you will.”

“I am holding you to that.” Dean grinned and got out of bed. “I gotta hop in the shower. You… are you gonna be here when I get back?” He asked, suddenly looking very nervous and at the same time, hopeful. Castiel couldn’t bring himself to tell him the truth.  

“Of course.”  

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS THE CHAPTER WITH TRIGGERS. There is mention of off screen rape, child abuse, and nonconsensual parent/child incest. 
> 
> And somebody punches Jesus.

 

Castiel wearily let himself into the living space that he shared with Gabriel. The adrenaline from his encounter with dean had long since faded and was replaced with a sickening sense of self-loathing.

How could he have done this? Pornography was one thing, but actually giving into his perversions… it was just too sinful.

Castiel decided that he would fast. Cleanse himself of the pleasures he had experienced and never again fall into temptation. He meant it this time. Lawrence would not end up like Chicago, with a regrettable tryst and a difficult choice-

“Hey.” Castiel jumped. As lost in his thoughts that he was, he hadn’t noticed Gabriel sitting on the worn couch with a pile of note cards spread out on his lap. He looked worn and much more human than he usually did. The muted glow from the television highlighted the lines on Gabriel’s face, making him look older than he actually was. “Can’t sleep either?”

Castiel shook his head. “I was just getting some fresh air.”

Gabriel eyed the rumpled state of Castiel’s club clothes and raised an eyebrow. “There’s nothing wrong with getting a little ‘fresh air’ once in a while. God knows the church can be… _stifling_.”

Castiel gave a small huff of laughter and sat next to Gabriel on the couch. “I never knew that Lawrence could be so humid.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Castiel shook his head. “What are you writing?”

“Mass.” Gabriel glared down at his lap as if the notecards had personally offended him. “I want to talk about the whole predestination business, but if I get too ‘controversial’ again, Zachariah will throw my ass out of the church, just like Bobby.”

Castiel thought of the man who had brought him to St. Mary’s, Zachariah Adler. He was a large balding man with a serpent’s grin, looking more like a CEO of a large business, rather than the leader of a parish. “How is predestination controversial?”  He asked, befuddled.

A manic light filled Gabriel’s eyes and he clasped his hands together in excitement. “Okay, Cassie, prepare to have your mind blown! So, you know about Judas, right?”  Castiel nodded.  “Well, he technically redeemed us, didn't he? Judas Iscariot, not Jesus Christ. All J.C. had to do was go to the cross and bang,” Gabriel snapped his fingers. “That's it. He’s done his job. He's chillin’ in heaven with his Old Man, and we worship the ground he walks on. And then there’s poor old Judas, he's got to betray the Son of God, and then he’s got to hang himself, and then go down in history as the world’s biggest douchebag.” A sad look passed over Gabriel’s face. “Now, that's sacrifice, Cassie. God made Judas, you know? He made Judas, Saddam, Adolph… he made ‘em all. Could you imagine them lining up to be born and God looking at you and saying, ‘Listen, Saddam, buddy, I’m sorry, but you're gonna be a tyrant. You're gonna destroy Iraq.’ and Saddam would say, ‘No, thanks, bro, I’ll go to the back of the line if it's all right?’” Gabriel sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “I mean, wouldn't you?”

 

****

Castiel stared out into the sea of children. He had never felt more intimidated. The local elementary school had brought their seventh grade class to the church for Confession. Castiel mentally cursed Gabriel for getting out of listening to Confessions like him.

“Line up alphabetically for Father Novak!” Ms. Bradbury called out. “Come on guys, you gotta behave. Jesus is watching!” The children  barely paid her any attention. “HEY!” The students whipped their heads towards their teacher. “Shut up and get in line for confession!”

“You can’t say ‘shut up’ in a church.”

“Kristy, I can say what I want. I’m an adult.” Ms. Bradbury smiled sweetly at Castiel. “Sorry about that. First for confession is Benjamin Braeden.”

Moments later, Castiel sat in the back of the church across from a boy with gel spiked hair.

“And how many do you smoke?”  He asked.

Ben shrugged. ”About ten.”

Castiel felt his eyes widen in disbelief. “A _day_?”

“Yeah.”

“I see… how do you pay for them?”

“I use my lunch money.”

“So you don't eat?”

“I take Meg Master's sandwiches.”

Castiel smiled wryly. “You know that's got to stop.”

“It will! She brings _tuna_ now, and she knows I hate fish.” Ben sounded utterly unrepentant.

“Well, suppose someone stole from you?”

“I don’t have anything to steal.”

“Suppose you did?”

“That would be whack!”

“Exactly. if someone stole from me, I’d think that it would be … ‘ _whack’_ as well.”

“You haven't got anything that’ll get robbed either.”

Castiel frowned.  “Because I’m a priest?”

“Because you’re broke.”

Castiel narrowed his eyes at the eighth grader and resisted the urge to thump him. “Through the ministry of the church, may God give you pardon and peace. I absolve you from your sins.  In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

The next hour passed in a blur of students and confessions about stolen diaries and stealing money from the purses of mothers. Now he was with the sandwich girl, Meg Masters, who refused to speak.

Castiel looked at his watch then at the silent girl. “That's it, Meg. There are others in line waiting.” Meg nodded and stood to leave. She looked at the door of the confession booth and then sat back down. Castiel furrowed his brow and cleared his throat.” Meg, is there something that you need to tell me?”

Meg was quiet for a few more moments. Then- “He makes me do things.”

Castiel’s heart stopped. “Who?”  He asked.

“My dad.”

“What sort of things?”

Meg closed her eyes. “Just things.”

Castiel took a deep breath and swallowed. “Sex?”  Meg nodded, her eyes still shut. “Does your mother know?” He questioned.  The young girl shook her head. “You must tell her. And tell your father it's got to stop. Tell him you've seen me and Father Novak said it's got to stop.”

“Okay.” The word was barely a whisper.

“Promise?”

“Yeah.”

“and you'll come back and see me?”

“…Yeah.”

Meg left, and the rest of the Confessions were, thankfully, unremarkable. Castiel sent a prayer of thanks to God.  He didn’t know how he would have been able to give advice after what Meg had told him. He thought of the scared young girl, and the man who fathered her, Alistair Masters.

He wasn’t somebody that Castiel had much contact with, but Castiel knew who he was. Alistair was a tall man, skinny with cold dead fish eyes. He owned and bred specialized attack dogs, vicious mutts that were called ‘Hell Hounds’. Castiel had heard stories about them, about how they were responsible for the death of the young musician Robert Johnson and  sixteen year old Bela Talbot when they were caught together by Bela’s father, Fergus Crowley.

Castiel spent the next four days thinking about what Meg had told him, and during the morning service on Sunday, Castiel told the story of Lot and his daughters. He described the happenings in the cave and he referenced the laws that God had commanded in Leviticus. Castiel could see the disturbed looks on the congregation’s faces. He could see Gabriel looking confused and Meg staring down at her lap.

The service passed slowly and hardly anyone tried to speak to Castiel after it was over. Only one person approached him, Alistair Masters.

“Father?”

“Yes?” Castiel had to resist the urge to strangle the man that stood before him.

Alistair smiled, and the thin curl of his lips reminded Castiel of the wet slime trail of a slug. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to make a confession.” Castiel nodded stiffly and led the way to the confessional booth. He had hardly settled when Alistair’s thin reedy voice snaked through the small screen in the wall. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

Castiel struggled to keep his tone civil. “May the lord be in your heart and help you to confess your sins with true sorrow.”

“What did she say?”

Castiel blinked. He had not been expecting Alistair to be so upfront. “I am not at liberty to tell you that.”

“She’s my Daughter.” Alistair sounded angry and Castiel felt a ripple of smugness flutter through his chest.

“I cannot break the seal of the confessional. You know that.”

“Yes, I do.” Alistair laughed, darkly. “You know, Father Novak, a man once paid three pieces of silver for the right to commit incest.” He laughed again. “Do You Know Who Sold Him That Right? Pope Alexander VI”.

“Incest is evil.” Castiel snapped.

“Incest is human.”  Alister replied, calmly.  It's the most natural thing in the world.”

“The most unnatural.” Castiel hissed.

There was a lighthearted chuckle. “Of course, you're the expert, aren't you, father Novak? You've never been with a woman-” Castiel’s blood ran cold. Could Meg’s father know about Castiel’s perversions? About his pornography  and his sinful thoughts… about Dean? “-let alone fathered a child,” Relief poured through Castiel’s body. Of Course Alistair didn’t know. It was impossible. Castiel had been so careful to cover his tracks. “But you're an expert. You ask a man- any real man- you ask him if he’s ever stopped patting his daughter's ass? And why does he stop patting it? Because she doesn't like it? Because he doesn't like it?” Alistair cackled. “Or... because he does like it.” Castiel resisted the urge to vomit. “I've dedicated my life to the study of incest... and there's nothing anyone can tell me about it, least of all you.”

“I can tell you that it's a sin.” There was a guffaw from the other side of the confessional. “It's one of the gravest sins of all.” Castiel took a deep breath. “May I have your permission to talk to someone about this? There's help available, and therapy-“

“I don't need help!” For the first time Alistair sounded truly angry. “I don't need therapy. I'm not your fucking textbook case. I'm no sexual inadequate. I've just seen through all the bullshit!” Suddenly, Alistair’s face was pressed against the screen that separated him and Castiel. “You think its inhuman… unthinkable!”

“If it’s not, then why are there laws against it?” Castiel replied calmly. “Why does every society in the world put a taboo around it?”

“I'll tell you why!” Alistair hissed. “It's the one thing we'd all like to do. Deep down in all of us. Even you, Father.”

The image of Dean on his hands and knees, begging wantonly for a cock in his ass flashed through Castiel’s mind. He swallowed, “What, uh… how does Meg feel about all this?”

There was a long silence and then there was the sound of a door opening and departing footsteps. Castiel sighed and left the confessional booth.

 

****

 

Castiel hunched into himself as he skulked through the psychology section of the library. He had driven a few towns over to do more research on Meg’s situation. Alistair Master’s was a sick man and there had to be some sort of loophole that allowed Castiel to alert the authorities to the perversions that were going on in the Masters’ home.

“Hey there, stranger.” A heavy hand fell onto Castiel’s shoulder. He knew that voice, it had haunted his dreams since he had last heard it, and he knew that hand… God, that hand that had clenched at green bed-sheets like they were the only things holding him onto this earth…

“Hello Dean.”

“Fancy seeing you here.” Dean moved into Castiel’s line of sight and his heart clenched painfully when he saw the sad smile on Dean’s face. “I, uh… I didn’t expect to see you again. Not after you left so quick.”

Shame rushed to Castiel’s cheeks and he could feel himself turning bright pink. “Something came up.”

Dean laughed, painfully. “Yeah, I thought so.”

Castiel shook his head. “Dean, I promise you, that night was one of the best nights of my life, but I just cant-“

“Save it.” Dean’s voice had resignation in it. “If you only wanted a one night stand, you could have just said so, instead of leading me on.”

“I swear I didn’t mean to do that to you.” There was a desperate edge to Castiel’s voice. “I promise you Dean-“

“Look, Jimmy, just drop it.”

“That’s not my name.” Castiel blurted out before he could stop himself. “My name isn’t ‘Jimmy’, it’s… it’s Castiel.”

Dean gave Castiel a calculating look. “Why are you telling me this now?”

“Because I want to explain to you why I left.” Castiel looked Dean straight in the eye and took a deep breath. “I’m a priest.”

There was a shocked silence. “If you’re a Catholic priest, aren’t I a little too old for you?” Castiel shot Dean a glare, and Dean laughed, suddenly becoming the man that Castiel had first met at the bar. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist. But, seriously though, I thought that Priests were sworn to celibacy or something.”

“We are.”

“Oh.” Dean studied Castiel for a moment. “You know I wont tell anyone, right?”

“Thank you, Dean.”

“No problem.” Dean smiled. “Here, give me your phone.”

Castiel squinted with suspicion. “Why?”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Just give it here.” Dean reached out and took the ancient flip phone from Castiel’s offered hand. He poked at a few buttons before snapping it shut and handing it back. “Here, call me sometime.” Castiel didn’t move. “Just take the phone.” Castiel obeyed and slipped the phone into his pocket. Dean watched with a fond look in his eyes. “I gotta go now. I’m supposed to be finding some law book for my brother.” He started to wander away. “See you around, Cas. And don’t forget to call!”

 

-

 

Why was he the one who always ended up with the eighth graders? Castiel stood at the front of a cramped classroom, watching the students chat with each other instead of listening to the song that Castiel was playing for analysis. The song playing was ‘Anyone Who Had A Heart’ and Castiel found himself swaying to the melody. The song ended but despite that, the students continued to chatter.

“Quiet please.” Castiel was largely ignored. “Please stop talking.” Again they paid no attention to him. “Listen, please. Listen.” Finally the majority of the students turned to him in some resemblance of behaving. “Can anybody tell me what that song is really about?”

“It’s about fucking!” Ben Braeden shouts out, causing his classmates to snicker.

Castiel mentally rolled his eyes. “Wrong.  Can anybody give me a more appropriate answer?

“It's about relationships.” A scrawny boy in the front row spoke up. The class moaned mockingly and Castiel smiled at the boy.

“What’s your name?”  He asked.

“Garth Fitzgerald IV.”

“Well, Garth, you are completely right. The song is about relationships. Now, what is the most essential part of a relationship?”

“Pussy!”

“Ben, that’s enough. Yes? You in the plaid.” He pointed to a blonde girl wearing unreasonably short shorts and a men’s plaid shirt. Castiel vaguely remembered her confession about putting cayenne pepper in her mother’s boyfriend’s underwear drawer.

“Love?”

Castiel beamed. “Absolutely right. Love. A passionate commitment from one human being to another-“

The sound of clattering desks cut Castiel’s words off, and he jerked his head up just in time to see Meg Masters fall to the ground shaking.

“Get Ms. Bradbury.” Castiel hurried over to Meg and knelt down beside her quivering form. “It's all right, Meg. It's okay.  It's okay. It's all right.” Meg started to sob and clutch at her chest. She was having a panic attack.

“I can’t breathe!” She gasped out. “I can’t breathe!”

“GET MISS BRADBURY NOW!” Castiel shouted, panicking. He heard someone run out of the classroom. “It’s okay… it’s  okay, Meg.” He took her in his arms and pressed her against his chest, stroking her hair. “Shh...  shh… it’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay…”

Later, when Ms. Bradbury had re-entered the classroom and had helped Castiel take Meg to the nurse’s office. Meg calmed down with the help of a cool cup of water and a musty smelling wool blanket that the nurse pulled out of a filing cabinet. When the nurse and Ms. Bradbury left, Castiel stayed behind to speak to Meg.

“Meg… may I have your permission to talk to your mother about what you told me at Confession?”

Meg shook her head. “No.”

“Is there anyone else you'd like me to talk to?”

“No.”

Castiel resisted the urge to press the matter. “You must come and see me again.”

“Okay.” Meg whispered.

“Do you promise?”

“I promise.”

Castiel was prevented from saying anything else when a beautiful woman with sharp heels entered the room. “Darling, are you alright?” The woman didn’t wait for an answer before turning to Castiel. “Father Novak, thank you so much for helping my little girl.” She grabbed Castiel’s hand in her two perfectly manicured ones. “Lilith Masters.”

“Mom, can I go to the car?”

Lilith shook her head. “We need to figure out what’s been triggering your attacks. Maybe it’s just an adolescent thing?  I read somewhere that it happens to kids of her age.” The expression on her face was miserable as she looked at Castiel. “Do you know what brought it on, Father?”

“I don't know.”

“And this happened while you were in class?” This question was directed towards Meg.

“Yeah.”

“You’re all right now though.” Lilith gently touched her daughter’s cheek.

“Maybe you shouldn't leave her on her own.” Castiel blurted out. “At least, not until these panic attacks stop happening.”

“Oh, we don't.” Lilith quickly assured him. “If I'm not with her, Alistair is.”

 

****

 

Castiel stared sullenly at his dinner and poked at it. “Too spicy for you?” Gabriel asked through a mouthful of chili.

“No…” Castiel took a bite of food.

“You okay, Cassie?”

Castel’s resolve broke. “I can't go into details, but if I intervene, I could stop someone's suffering, but that means breaking the seal of the Confessional.”

Gabriel looked at him with pity. “I can imagine what you're going through.”

“What would you do?”

“I'd drop a hint.”

Castiel nodded thoughtfully and excused himself from the table. “Where is the Church Phonebook?”

Minutes later, Castiel had the phonebook on his lap and his phone in his hand. He steadily ignored Dean’s name and tapped in the Masters’ phone number.

Lilith Masters picked answered the phone. “ _Hello_?”

“Hello, is this the Masters house?”

“ _Yes. Who’s speaking, please_?”

“This is Father Novak. I was just wondering how Meg is doing?”

“ _Oh, hello! Meg’s doing fine. She’s gone to bed early_.”

“That’s good.” Castiel cleared his throat. “I was thinking about it, and I think that I may have thought about a reason for Meg’s panic attacks.”

“ _Really_?”

Castiel nodded before he realized that Lilith could not see him. “She’s being picked on by a boy in her class. He's been stealing Meg's sandwiches.”

 _“Is that it_?” Lilith’s tone was disappointed.

“That’s probably not the whole reason, but it’s something.”

“ _I see… well thank you for letting me know. Good-bye_.” She hung up.

Castiel pulled the phone from his ear and typed in a new number. One that he had memorized earlier.

“ _Hello, Social Service_ s.”

“I need to speak to someone about a child at risk.”

“ _Hold on, please.” There was a click and then a man’s voice. “Hello. Can I help you? Hello? Hello_?”

Castiel hung up. He couldn’t go against the Seal. Just as he was about to rejoin Gabriel in the kitchen his phone began to buzz in his hand. Looking at his Caller ID he saw the Masters’ phone number. Perhaps Lilith wanted to talk more about what he had said. “Hello?”

 _“Keep your nose out of my business. You had no right to call my home_.”

Castiel clenched his fist at the sound of Alistair’s voice. “What you’re doing… it's got to stop.” Castiel heard a scoff on the other line. “Listen to me, you horrible man, Meg's having daily anxiety attacks because of what you're doing.”

“J _ust leave my family alone_!” Alistair hissed and hung up.

“FUCK!” Castiel stood and flung his phone at the wall. It hit a painting of Jesus on the Cross and burst into tiny pieces. But that wasn’t satisfying enough. Castiel wanted to find Alistair and beat him to death with a shovel. He wanted to find that horrible monster of a person and smite him with all the power of God on his side.

“They used to ask a question when we were in Seminary.” Castiel spun around, still panting angrily. Gabriel stood in the doorway, staring at the pieces of phone that littered the ground. “It was a sort of standard question… ‘a man tells you in confession that he's poisoned the altar wine. Do you still go out and say Mass?”

“What was your answer?”

Gabriel grinned widely, almost maniacally, at the childlike confusion on Castiel’s face. “I'd go out, say Mass, and drink the wine myself.” He laughed and cast the painting of Jesus a fond look. “There's a bit of a martyr in all of us, I guess.”

“But what if it's not you suffering,” Castiel asked desperately. “What if it's someone else whose suffering, and you know you could stop it, just by speaking out-“ Castiel cut himself off and rubbed at his eyes. “I never imagined what it must have felt like, being Jesus. I’m not comparing myself to the Messiah, but he kept the sins of millions… I can’t keep the secret of one young girl.”

“You can’t compare yourself to Christ.” Gabriel laughed. “And not for the reason you think! He just wasn't human enough.  He was the Son of God. He had certainty. Something you do not.” Gabriel smirked. “Heaven, everlasting life… he knew it all with absolute certainty. Well,” He said plopping down on the couch. “Give me that, and, fine, no problem, you can crucify me as well and I won’t even complain. All the agonies of the world, no stinkin’ problem whatsoever, because I'd be certain that God exists.”  A pause.  “But I'm not certain. All I've got is faith.” Gabriel looked towards the kitchen, where the faint sound of Kali doing the dishes reached their ears. He smiled for a moment, and then something dark crossed over his face. “But then something evil always comes along, grinning, sickening evil, and then your faith just runs away in terror.”

 

****

 

“The day before he suffered, he took bread in his sacred hands, and looking up to Heaven, to You, his Almighty Father, he gave You thanks and praise. He broke the bread, gave it to his disciples and said, ‘take this, all of you and eat it. This is my body… which will be given up for you.’ When supper was ended, he took the cup. Again, he gave You thanks and praise, gave the cup to his disciples and said, ‘Take this, all of you, and drink from it. This is the cup of my blood, the blood of the new and everlasting covenant. It will shed for you and for all, so that sins may be forgiven. Do this in memory of me.”

Handing out Communion had never been a chore. But this time, every person who came up to him, Castiel pitied. He pitied the blind hope in their eyes and the faith that they put into their religion. He stared down at the individual hands of the congregation, placing the Communion crackers in the middle of palms, damp with sweat from the humid air in the stuffy church. And then a pair of hands that he was intimately familiar with appeared in his vision. He looked up and  blue eyes met with green. Castiel stared at Dean, unable to speak or move. Dean smiled hopefully at Castiel, and Castiel almost smiled back before he remembered where he was.

He lowered the Communion plate and stared at the place just off of Dean’s shoulder until Dean sighed and walked away to the back of the church.

When Mass ended, Castiel’s eyes roamed the quickly emptying church for Dean, but instead of finding the freckled man, he came face to face with Gabriel. “Who was he?” Gabriel whispered as if they were sharing a harmless secret.

Castiel shrugged, refusing to make eye contact. “No idea.”

Gabriel snorted. “Riiight… you had no idea who this guy was and you couldn't give him communion?”

“No.”

Gabriel huffed out a breath of laughter. “I’ve never denied anyone communion. Never felt as if I had the right to take away something special like that.”

Castiel’s throat tightened. “I had to.” He whispered. “Sometimes, when I’m sitting in my room, sweating, I turn to him for help. But instead of salvation, I see a naked man...” Castiel shuddered, suddenly cold in the stifling heat of the church. “Utterly desirable. I turn to Him for help and He just makes it worse… I understand humanity then; every sin, every compulsion. I understand it all.”

Gabriel stared out into the now empty pews. “That’s exactly how I felt when I first started seeing Kali.”  He informed.  “I don’t regret a single moment, but now I can't smile and hug and preach the beauty of creation, because inside here there's just perversions and sickness and sin and—“ Gabriel choked and his eyes were suddenly wet and shiny. “I was going to get out, Cassie, years ago. But it would've broken my Dad's heart. He had already lost my two brothers and I didn’t want him to lose me too. So I waited… by the time he died it was too late. There was nothing I could do.” Gabriel grabbed Castiel’s shoulders and leaned in close. So close that they were almost kissing and Castiel could practically taste the sickly sweet coffee that lingered on Gabriel’s breath. “Get out now, Cassie, while you still have your health and strength. You gotta love who you want, when you want, hell, where you want. Get out.”

Castiel hastily shook his head. “I can't get out.” He rasped. “God wants me to be a priest.”

“Cassie-“

“I don't think it,” Castiel interrupted. “I don't just... believe it. I know it.”

Gabriel looked at Castiel, a look of betrayal and defeat clear on his face. “I'll pray for you, Castiel.”

Gabriel swept out of the church, leaving Castiel alone with his thoughts. His stupid, _goddamn_ thoughts about the look on Dean’s face when Castiel denied him communion, and Gabriel’s insistence that he get out while he still could. Castiel looked up at the huge wooden crucifix that hung behind the altar. Jesus stared sorrowfully down at him, silently judging Castiel with his empty eyes.

“ _DO SOMETHING_!” Castiel screamed at the wooden Jesus. His voice bounced off of the empty church walls. “Don't just hang there, you smug, _idle_ bastard! DO SOMETHING! I don’t give a damn about your stupid, fucking seal!” Castiel stalked away from the crucifix before spinning around and going right back up to it, pushing his face right up to the one carved out of wood. “I _'m gonna tell someone._ ” He hissed. “That’s what you'd do, isn’t it? That’s what _Jesus_ would do. She’s a thirteen-year-old girl. You wouldn't see her suffer… you'd say, you'd say, ‘This girl is me. This girl is all-suffering humanity, for this I came’.”

Castiel started to sob, pushing his face into the Wooden Jesus’ neck and clutching at the Wooden Jesus’ shoulders. “You wouldn't give a _damn_ about the church and its rules and its regulations!” He gasped through his tears. “The secrecy of confession… how can that be good when it allows evil to thrive?” Castiel shoved away from the Wooden’ Jesus and glared at it hatefully. “You'd speak out! You'd speak out… I know you'd speak out! You were the Son of God, you could make the rules. And I can’t do that! I'm just a priest, and I can't erase years of history!” Castiel knocked the goblet of Communion wine off of the altar and it clattered to the ground, spilling the last few dregs of wine to the ground.

“That would be _pride_.” Castiel laughed loudly through the tears that were still pouring down his face. “That would be _arrogance._ They would crucify me. Burn me like some Pagan!” With all the strength that he could muster, Castiel pulled back and punched the Wooden Jesus on his oaken jaw.

There was a sickening crunch and a sharp, blinding pain ran up his arm, causing Castiel to gasp and sink to his knees, clutching his hand to his chest and rocking. He stared up at the Wooden Jesus with defeat in his eyes, and the Wooden Jesus remained unmoving, silent cold and hard.

“I'm in the depths of despair.” Castiel whimpered “I look around for an example, and all there is, is you.” Castiel’s voice broke. “You’re no man… You perform miracles. You change water into wine, you raise the dead, you… you cured the sick… what kind of example is that? how could you possibly know despair? How could you, with that kind of power, possibly know what I'm going through right now? How…?”

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank destiel-fics-to-cope for being my beta and leaving such encouraging remarks.
> 
> I'd like to thank everyone who gave me kudos and anyone who has read this.
> 
>  
> 
> this chapter contains past underage consensual sex, mentions of past Benny/Dean, and Crowley being a dick.

Castiel spent the next few days holed up in his room with his laptop and injured hand. After coming back from the Emergency Room, he ignored pleas from Gabriel to go outside or to watch a film or two with him. It was only when Kali barged into his room one afternoon and threw lukewarm coffee at him, did Castiel concede to leave the church for an hour or so. As Castiel headed down the narrow staircase he spotted a familiar face at the foot of the stairs. “Lilith, hello!”

Lilith Masters stared up at Castiel, with an unreadable expression. “You knew.” She whispered. “You knew.”

 Castiel froze. He briefly considered denying it, but Meg’s mother deserved the truth. “I couldn’t say anything… the Seal-“

“What kind of man are you?” Righteous fury was etched into every line on her face and angry tears filled her eyes. “I hope you burn in hell.” She turned and left without another word.

Castiel should have never left his room. He slunk back up the stairs and started to go back into the living space.

“Don’t you dare go shut yourself away again.” Gabriel stepped in front of Castiel. “You are going to stay out of your room and accept that you were just doing your job.”

“That’s what the Nazi’s said…” Castiel’s stomach warred incomparable guilt and devastating relief that someone now knew of Meg’s plight.

“You’re no Nazi, Cassie…” Gabriel rolled his eyes. “You’re just a man, too weak to break a promise.”

“Why couldn’t I do it?”

“’Cause you’re human.” Gabriel pulled Castiel into a hug, and squeezed him with surprising strength. “And that’s okay… to be human. I’ve done my fair share of fuck ups, and I’ve put it behind me because that’s how God created us. He created humans to screw everything up the ass and to make mistakes. But He gave humans the ability to fix their mistakes too.” Gabriel let go of Castiel. “Why don’t you start with the guy you denied Communion?”

“I cant.” Castiel moaned. “He probably hates me right now.”

Gabriel shrugged. “Yeah, he probably does. What you did was pretty cold.” Surprisingly, that didn’t make Castiel feel any better. “You should call him.”

“You just told me that he hates me.”

“That I did.” Gabriel unwrapped a tootsie pop and gave it a hearty slurp. “Did you know that, physiologically, hate is the closest emotion to love?” Castiel shook his head. “I thought not. Give me your phone.”

Castiel squinted at Gabriel suspiciously, but handed it over anyway. “What are you going to do with it?”

“I’m going to text- Jesus Christ, Castiel, you gotta upgrade from this flip phone- I’m going to text Lover Boy.”

Castiel watched in silent mortification as Gabriel rapidly typed into the phone. “What’s a good way to say ‘I majorly fucked up’, without actually saying ‘I majorly fucked up’?”

“I-“

“Never mind, I already sent it.” Gabriel grinned, and yanked the phone away when Castiel tried to snatch it out of his hand. “No way am I giving this back to you until he texts back!”

 “You’re being childish!” Castiel lunged for the phone, but Gabriel danced out of the way.

“It takes one to know one!” He crowed, bolting for the kitchen to hide behind Kali.

“Unless you plan on helping me, you’d better get out of here.” She said coldly.

“We were just leaving.” Gabriel gave Castiel a look that bordered on the edge of pure evil. “Your phone just buzzed. I think that your man’s replied.”

The good humor that had been rolling around in Castiel’s body dissipated quickly. All of the moisture in his mouth disappeared and Castiel was left terrified. “What does it say?”

Gabriel looked up from the phone, practically radiating with smugness. “He’ll be here in a couple of hours to talk.”

 

-

 

Castiel stood outside in the rain as he waited for Dean to arrive. Right on schedule, a big, black, muscle car rolled to a stop in front of him. The passenger door opened and Castiel saw Dean leaning over, with his hand still on the door. Dean’s face was grumpy, and hurt, and it was the most beautiful thing that Castiel had ever seen. “Hello, Dean.”

“Hey.” Dean barely glanced at Castiel as he slid into the car. “What happened to your hand?”

“I punched Jesus in the face.” Dean snorted in amusement before remembering that he was angry at Castiel. Dean put the car into drive and they rode in silence for over half an hour. Castiel watched Dean drive. A muscle ticked in his jaw and his nostrils flared… he was obviously furious.

     “You’re mad at me.” Castiel observed sadly.

“Well, no shit! What did you expect?” Dean snapped. “You treated me like I was a fucking leper!” Dean abruptly pulled over to the side of the road and angrily turned to Castiel. Fury and embarrassment and something else that Castiel didn’t want to name shone in Dean’s bright eyes. “For fuck's sake, _grow up_ , Cas! Right now you’re acting like nothing but a baby in a white collar!”

Castiel glared down at his lap. “Being scared doesn’t mean that I’m a baby.”

Dean stared at Castiel in disbelief. “Is _that_ what you’re going to focus on?” Castiel said nothing, choosing instead to pick sullenly at a loose thread at the bottom of his shirt. Suddenly, he heard the sound of laughing. Looking up in confusion he saw Dean guffawing heartily beside him. Great rolling laughs that came straight from his gut. Castiel stared at him in wonder. He had never seen anyone laugh this hard for no apparent reason

“Are… Are you alright Dean?”

“Cas, man, you are something else.” Dean giggled weakly, wiping tears from his eyes. “I haven’t laughed that hard in ages!”

Castiel stared at the man beside him and then, overcome with emotion, Castiel leaned over and kissed Dean on the mouth. “I know we need to talk…” he murmured against Dean’s mouth. “But my life since I last saw you has been… I’m falling, Dean.” Castiel brushed his lips against Dean’s. “I’m falling from Grace and I’m not handling it well at all.”

“Sometimes its okay to fall.” They weren’t kissing, but their mouths touched with every word. “Sometimes it’s okay because there’ll be someone there to catch you before you hit the ground.”

“Dean…” Castiel crushed their mouths together in earnest. They kissed tenderly, not like the first night where they could barely keep their hands and teeth to themselves. This time it was all wet heavy breaths and tender touches to cheeks and hair and eyelids.

“Let’s move to the back seat.”

They relocated and joined together again, pressing their mouths together hungrily. It didn’t matter that they barely knew each other and that Castiel was a Priest. Only they mattered and Castiel found that maybe the church _wasn’t_ his calling… maybe Dean could be more than just a man.

Dean buried his face in the crook of Castiel’s neck and inhaled deeply. Castiel shuddered and bought Dean’s face back up to kiss him again. “You won’t run away again?” Dean pulled away from Castiel and studied him.

“I’m tired of running.” Castiel promised.

Dean smiled breathlessly and surged to kiss Castiel some more. Their kisses grew more desperate and heated, and soon Castiel found himself lying horizontally as Dean straddled his hips. Castiel clutched at Dean’s denim clad rear and desperately ground upwards.

Dean moaned, deep in his throat. “Jesus Christ… Cas…” Castiel pulled Dean down so that they could kiss. Castiel held on to dean like a life raft and oxygen ceased to matter.

“I want to make love to you…” Castiel panted, kneading at Dean’s rear. “Please Dean…”

Dean laughed breathlessly. “Yeah, Cas. Make love to me…” Dean pulled away, even though Castiel chased after his lips with is own. Grinning down at Castiel with flushed cheeks and red, spit-slicked, lips, Dean reached down and slowly undid Castiel’s pants. “You know I’ve been thinking about this since the last time.” Dean tenderly pulled Castiel’s cock out of his pants and started to gently stroke it, coaxing him to full hardness. “I have a toy at home that vibrates… I spent hours in bed with it, just thinking about you.”

“Dean…”

“You’re so fucking addicting.” Dean lifted his hips and pulled his worn jeans down as far as they could go. They stopped just under the fleshy mound of his bottom, unable to stretch past his thighs. ”Like whisky.”

“Dean, I _have_ to kiss you.” Castiel strained upwards and began to pepper kisses all over Dean’s throat and jaw, leaving red wet marks in his wake.

“Cas…” Dean moaned, and tilted his head back, exposing his neck even further.

“Lube… do you have any lube?” Castiel couldn’t seem to stop kissing Dean. Dean ripped himself away and stretched his arm to root through the glove box. Seconds later he was pouring gobs of lube onto his hand and reaching behind himself. Dean let out a long guttural moan. His hand and the lube made obscene noises as Dean fingered himself vigorously.

Castiel stared transfixed. “Do you want me to-“

Dean shook his head violently. “This is faster.” He panted, sweat dripping down his forehead. “There should be a box of condoms on the ground.”

Eyes glued to Dean’s writhing form, Castiel blindly groped for the box. Grabbing a hold of it, he quickly pulled one out and yanked it open with his teeth.

“Put it on.” Dean demanded. “I’m almost ready…”

Castiel wasted no time in obeying. He rolled the condom, fingers brushing intimately with Dean’s. Almost as soon as it was on, Dean was sinking down onto Castiel’s cock, moaning loudly. “Oh fuuuuuuuuuck.”

“Oh, God.” Castiel gripped Dean’s hips tightly enough to bruise. “Oh, _Dean_!”

Dean slammed himself up and down, panting loudly. “ _Casss_!” The car was moving with the force of Dean’s movements, and the windows were quickly fogging up. Castiel couldn’t do anything but pant and groan and hold on tightly to Dean, staring up at him in wonder. Dean rode Castiel like it was the only thing keeping him alive. Castiel canted his hips upward, driving himself deep inside of Dean. Dean let out a high-pitched whimper and his eyes rolled back. Castiel continued to thrust upwards, continuously jabbing into Dean’s prostate with restless abandon. Dean was gasping for air, his mouth hanging open and his eyes crossing slightly every time his prostate was hit. He had stopped using his legs to ride Castiel, but Castiel was gripping him tight and using his hands on Dean’s perfect ass to bounce him on his dick. Dean arched his back, using his hands on Castiel’s legs for leverage. Dean’s cock bobbed furiously, slapping Castiel’s stomach repeatedly, leaving a wet translucent string of pre-cum connecting them.

“Come here.” Castiel gasped, pulling dean down to kiss him sloppily. They breathed heavily into each other’s mouths, rocking together, and moaning. It was perfect. Dean ground down on Castiel, slow and hard and gasping, his face pressed against Castiel’s jaw. They could do nothing but clutch at each other in quiet desperation, steadily climbing towards climax.

“ _Fuck_ , Cas-!” Dean jerked and shuddered in Castiel’s arms, and a hot liquid burst between them. Dean’s orgasm forced ripples around Castiel’s cock and he found himself coming undone. Dean lay heavily over Castiel and grinned stupidly at him. Castiel returned the grin with a soft smile of his own. Maybe being with Dean wasn’t such a bad decision after all.

Suddenly there was a light rapping on the window. Dean and Castiel looked up to see the fogged outline of a person in a dark blue uniform and red and blue flashing lights.

“Oh, God!”

“ _Shit!_ ”

 

-

 

“Date of birth?” Sherriff Mills chewed slowly on her pen-cap as she peered at Castiel.

“October eighth 1981.”

“Occupation?” Castiel stayed silent, unable to speak. Sherriff Mills sighed in exasperation. “Sir, what's your job?”

“Priest.”

Sherriff Mills jerked up in surprise. “Catholic?”

Castiel looked down in shame. “Yes.”

To his surprise, Sheriff Mills made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a giggle. “You little devil!”

The next few days were a blur. Castiel got a court date, went home and slept, only leaving to go to court and pleading guilty to the charge of Indecent Exposure in a public setting. He paid the fine, signed up for community service and left the court building. As soon as he walked out the door and into the brutal brightness of the afternoon sun, he was assaulted by reporters and protesters alike. They all clamored for Castiel’s attention, demanding if Dean was his first love, if he was planning on leaving the church… if he was aware that God was ashamed to call him A Child of the Lord.

Castiel agreed with everything the protesters accused him of.

When he came back to Lawrence, everything was different. No one would look him in the eye. Mothers would pull their children away with wary glances. The middle school stopped asking him to come in and talk to the students. Barely anyone came to his services anymore. The ones who did he could count on one hand. Gabriel tried to help, but his association with Castiel made his life harder as well. He would often come back from house calls angry and exhausted, muttering under his breath about ignorance, figs, and out of context bible verses that had no place in modern society.

Castile started to spend more and more time out of the church. He would go to the library and bury himself with books about psychology and cognitive conditioning, searching for a way to fix himself. One night, only a week after his trial, Castiel stayed at the library far longer than usual, leaving only when a nervous looking librarian told him hesitantly that they were closing and that Castiel would have to leave.

It was raining heavily when he left the library building. Castiel had no umbrella or raincoat and he was soaked within seconds. He walked quickly through the night, already dreading tomorrow. A man on the other side of the street crossed the road and headed towards Castiel. “Father Novak?”

Castiel looked up. “Yes-” Before he could say anything further, the man swung a heavy fist towards Castiel’s face, catching him to the nose. Castiel heard, more than felt, the cartilage break.

“Faggot!” The man punched Castiel again, this time in the stomach. Castiel tried to wheeze out words, as blow after blow was landed on his face and stomach, whether to plead with the man or to call for help, he didn’t know. Castiel fell to the hard ground, hitting his head on the sidewalk. He immediately curled into a tight ball to protect his middle from further harm. The man kicked at him, undeterred by the fetal position, spitting out hateful and derogatory words with every strike.

After what seemed like forever, though it could have been mere seconds or minutes, the man left Castiel, shivering and sobbing on the cement. “I hope you fucking burn in Hell.” The man hissed.

Then it was silent, the only sounds being footsteps rapidly departing, Castiel’s shaky breathing, and the rain that was angrily pelting the sidewalk. Gripped with a lingering feeling of terror, Castiel struggled to his feet, and staggered a few feet before collapsing. His vision swam with black spots and an odd rushing sound was filling his ears. Unable to move any further, Castiel closed his eyes.

When he opened them again he wasn’t on the streets anymore, but a dimly lit hospital room. He sat up and pain wracked through his body.

“Oh good, you’re up.” A nurse appeared at the side of his bed and handed him a cup of water, which Castiel sucked down greedily. “You’re brother has been asking after you.”

“But I don’t have a-“ The hospital door opened and Gabriel entered the room looking worried.

“Cassie, you’re up!” Some of the anxiousness disappeared from Gabriel’s face when he saw Castiel sitting up with a cup of water. “I was starting to wonder if you were going to or not!” Gabriel turned to the nurse and grinned. “Do you mind if I have some time alone with my baby bro?”

“Of course.” The nurse smiled, and left the room. As soon as the door clicked shut behind her, the happy look slid from Gabriel’s face and he looked old and worn.

“I didn’t think that you would wake up.”

“Did it really look that bad?” Castiel’s voice croaked.

“No, you’ve only got a concussion and a few cracked ribs, but you’ve been practically dead ever since you went to court.” Gabriel dragged a chair to Castiel’s bedside. “I just thought that this would be the last straw.”

“I’m fine.” Castiel turned his head and closed his eyes. “I think I’m going to go back to sleep…”

“Oh, no you don’t!” Gabriel grabbed Castiel’s face and yanked it back towards him.

“Ow! Gabriel, I have a concuss-“

“Now you listen to me, you little asshole-“ Gabriel hissed, tightening his grip on Castiel. “You’ve got _no right_ … no _fucking_ right to treat yourself like this!”

“You think I asked to be jumped?” Castiel growled.

“I think you wanted it to happen!” Gabriel let go of Castiel’s face. “I think that _you_ think that you deserve this!”

     “ _I sinned_!” Castiel yelled. “This is my _punishment_!”

     Gabriel snorted in disbelief. “You've broken the Vow of Celibacy, that's all. You should demand to be treated the same as any other _man_. Heterosexual,” Gabriel gestured wildly to himself. “Homosexual… it doesn't make any difference. You've broken a _man-made_ rule, that's all.”

     “I went against the rules of the church!”

“ _The rules of the church are there for the protection of property to keep it away from the widows of priests_!” Gabriel screamed. “It's there for the _mobility of labor_! No wife, no kids, so you can kick a priest-“

“The church gives us _everything_ ,” Castiel growled. “Money, food, shelter, respect… and all she asks in return is celibacy! All we're asked for is _celibacy_ and we can't even manage that!”

Gabriel threw his hands up in exasperation. “ _Christ didn't ask us to be celibate_! It's a _manmade thing_!”

“That's our currency, Gabriel!” Castiel was so tired of this. “Solemn vows. And we debase them because we can't even stick to them ourselves!” Castiel fell back onto the bed and pressed his hands to his eyes. “It’s _different_ for you and Kali… you’re only committing _one_ sin.”

Gabriel stared at Castiel, his chest heaving with anger. “What's his name?” Gabriel commanded.

Castiel briefly considered pretending not to know who ‘he’ was. “His name’s Dean.”

“Do you love him?” Gabriel challenged.

Castiel gave a self-deprecating chuckle. ”I despise him.” He sighed. “You know, Satan comes in many forms.”

Gabriel stared at Castiel in shock. “This is the poor Bastard who gave you his body… how dare you talk like that?” Castiel said nothing, choosing only to stare up at Gabriel in silent defiance. “In the name of God, Castiel, to call another human being Satan, I mean- what kind of religion is that? What kind of sick, twisted brainwash have you been through?” A mix of horror and disgust was clear on Gabriel’s face. “This guy’s… Dean’s sole purpose in life is to tempt you into sin, is that what you're saying? Are you saying that you’re Christ and he's just the bloody serpent? Is that what you're saying, you arrogant prick?”

Castiel looked at the conviction in Gabriel’s face, and he remembered all of the tender touches between he and Dean, and his resolve began to fall. “I think I love him.” He whispered in shame.

Gabriel glared at Castiel. “I know you do. Do you want him?”

“Yes.”

“All the time?”

“A lot of the time.”

“And you that’s _sinful_?”

     Castiel sighed heavily. “I think that it’s sick.”

“So... to itch for a man is sick.” Gabriel had the look of a man stranded in a place where he didn’t know the language. “To want to scratch that itch, to want to make love to another man, that's sinful?”

Castiel’s voice was barely a whisper. “Yes.”

“And to want to go on scratching, to live with another man… well, that's permanent sin. That's evil.” Gabriel’s voice grew more and more sarcastic with every word. “That's "depart from me, ye cursed" stuff, right?”

A smile started to tug at the side of Castiel’s lips. “Yes.”

Gabriel shook his head slowly, looking at Castiel like he was the stupidest thing to ever walk the earth. “Is there any sense... any intellect, any... humanity in that kind of _bullshit_?”

Castiel started to laugh and Gabriel glowered at him. “Are you laughing at me?”

“Yes.”

“Don't patronize me, Castiel.” Gabriel snapped.

Castiel laughed even harder. “ _I’m_ patronizing _you_? This is my _life_ , Gabriel.” Castiel smiled up at the other priest. “You think you can just walk in here and spout some horseshit, and Halleluiah, all's right with my world; I'm reconciled to my nature. Cue the uplifting music!” Castiel waved his hands in the air mockingly. “Who's the arrogant prick now?”

     For the first time since they had met, Gabriel had no response to what Castiel said. The hospital room was filled with the quiet of a calm after the storm. After long minutes of silence, Gabriel spoke.

     “I want you to say mass with me.”

     Castiel was shaking his head before Gabriel had even finished speaking. ”I can't.”

“You owe it to them.” Gabriel’s tone was gentle, yet it held a firmness that could only come from someone who cared. “You owe it to them to confront, to challenge, to teach.”

“I can't.”

Gabriel wasn’t giving up. “Say Mass with me.”

“ _I can’t_.”

“What would Jesus do, Cassie? You like comparing yourself to him so much, what would he do?” Castiel shrugged as much as he could without adding to his injuries. “Jesus wouldn't hide himself away. He’d have reservations, sure, but he wouldn’t hide.” Castiel gave a quiet huff of laughter, and Gabriel grew more encouraged. “We’ll say mass together. You and me, Cassie… we'll quote John, chapter eight: ‘let him who is without sin cast the first stone’."

“Oh, I can't do that-“

“Oh, you've gotta!” Gabriel mocked. “You have to do this one thing, and then you can do whatever the hell you want with your life. You have to do this, because _you_ think that God actually gives two fucks about your genitals. There’s war, famine, disaster… millions slaughtering millions… with all these things on his mind, do you really think God gives a damn about what people do with their junk? For such a righteous man, you sure do seem to miss the point, Cassie. The teachings of Christ are all about love and compassion for all mankind. _All mankind_. Men, women, black, white, old, young, gay, straight… you get it Castiel? He wont stop loving you, just because _you love_.” Gabriel reached out and grasped Castiel’s arm gently. ”Okay?”

“…Yeah.”

 

-

 

“Sir, you've got a visitor.”

Castiel sighed. “Thank you.” He barely looked up at the nurse. It was probably Gabriel again, or maybe Kali. Perhaps it was even Zachariah, come to tell him that his injuries were the will of God and that he deserved it.

     “Hey, Cas.” A quiet voice spoke from the doorway. Castiel looked up to see Dean shifting nervously. “Your friend, Gabe, called and told me what happened.”

     “Did he?” Castiel was going to kill Gabriel. He knew that Castiel hadn’t wanted to see Dean, let alone have him visit Castiel while he was in the hospital.

“When you get better, we can see each other again.” Dean smiled hopefully. “But this time we can stick to places with a bit more privacy.”

Castiel braced himself. “I don't think it's a good idea…” Castiel looked away, unable to face the betrayal on Dean’s face. “I'm sorry.”

“Why?” Dean demanded. “Why not?”

“It’s not right.” Castiel croaked, turning away from Dean. “It’s wrong and I should have never gone to The Roadhouse that night. I should have never gone home with you.”

“You selfish Bastard.” Dean’s voice shook with anger. “You think that you’re the only one suffering? You may be a priest, but my dad beat the crap out of me to toughen me up. And when he found out that I was gay…” A horrible look, full of an old fear crossed over Dean’s face. “When he found out that I was gay I thought that he would kill me.”

     “What did you do?” Castiel wanted to take Dean in his arms and kiss the fear off of his face.

     “I ran away to live with a man fifteen years older than me. And every day, people told us that we were wrong. That Benny was some sort of pedo and that I was a victim, but we didn’t care ‘cause we were in _love._ ”

     Castiel noticed the past tense. “What happened to him?”

     “He’s dead.” Dean didn’t elaborate any further. “And I haven’t felt a damn thing since, but then you came along and-“ Dean stopped abruptly and buried his face in his hands. When he spoke again, his voice was muffled. “You came along and I felt things that I haven’t felt since Benny was killed.”

     Castiel resisted the urge to leap out of the hospital bed and take Dean into his arms. “I can’t replace him Dean… I’m broken.”

     Dean shook his head slowly. “I’d rather have you, Cas. Broken or not. And you’re not replacing Benny, Cas. No one in the entire world could replace-“ Dean stopped talking and took a deep breath. “It’s not about replacing, it’s about healing. I… I need you, man.”

     “Dean…” Castiel reached out towards the other man and Dean nearly ran to him, shoving his face into Castiel’s chest. “I’m so sorry, Dean. About Benny… about _everything.”_ Castiel took Dean’s face in his hands and brought it up so that they were eye to eye. “I can’t promise you much of anything-“

     “You don’t have to.” Dean murmured. “Just… just promise me that you’ll _try._ ”

     Castiel kissed Dean as hard as he could without adding any harm to his injuries. “I promise.”

 

-

 

Castiel was petrified. It was Saturday afternoon, Zachariah Adler was in the kitchen, and he still had to do Mass tomorrow morning. It was going to be the first service after Castiel was hospitalized and fear held him tightly by the throat. “I can’t do this.”

     “Of course you can.” Gabriel patted Castiel lightly on the shoulder. “We’ll deal with Zach, and then say Mass together tomorrow.”

     Castiel shook his head. “I appreciate it, Gabriel, but I can't.”

     “Sorry, Bud, but you have to do it.”

     “But what about Mister Adler?” Castiel hissed. “You know he’ll-“

“Fuck Mister Adler.” Gabriel interrupted. “Just… don't take that literally.”

Castiel laughed for the first time in days. “You don’t have to worry about that.”

The two priests snickered like schoolboys before entering the kitchen and facing Zachariah Adler, who had a very sour expression on his face.

“Something wrong, Zachariah?” Gabriel asked cheekily.

“Not at all.” A large fake smile was plastered onto Zachariah’s face. “I’m just visiting to clear a few things up. Are… uh… are you and Father Novak saying mass together?”

“We sure are!” Gabriel grinned heartily. “Can I get you something to drink, Zach?”

“No thank you, I wont be long.” Zachariah shifted slightly and the chair beneath him creaked. “Since the two of you are doing Mass, I take it that you wont need me to find someone else to take Father Novak’s place.”

Gabriel’s face twitched, but the smile didn’t leave his face. ”You're not absolutely essential, no.”

Zachariah’s smile turned shark-like. “I am allowing Father Novak to stay here, despite of his… perversions.” Castiel’s jaw clenched. “Because of this decision, certain steps have to be taken.” Zachariah looked Gabriel in the eye. “Step one, Father Milton’s vehicle will be taken from his possession until further notice.”

“ _What?”_

It’s a precaution we have to take. We can’t have Father Novak, here, taking off to dance with temptation.”

“You've taken my friggin' car!”

Zachariah shrugged good-naturedly. “It's just one of the trappings of power that you despise so much, Gabe. Along with the roof over your head, the food in your belly, the clothes on your back, and your whore of a maid!”

“ _You-_ “

Gabriel lunged for Zachariah, who was still sitting calmly, but Castiel intervened. He looked at Zachariah Adler and started to speak in a calm clear voice, enunciating his words with careful precision. “Dominus tecum. Um, et cum spiritu tuo. Tota die pluit. Scio te penitus. Te es pustule in corpore Christi. pustula vivens spirans monstruosa. Iam iamque in pus et cruorem et foetorem eruptura.”

     Zachariah chuckled disdainfully when Castiel finished. “You've lost me, I'm afraid.”

     Castiel narrowed his eyes at Zachariah. “I said, ‘I know all about you. You're a boil on the body of Christ. A monstrous, living, breathing boil, ready to erupt at any moment into pus... and blood and stench.” Castiel’s heart raced faster with every word, and grew more righteous with every hint of pride that grew in Gabriel’s eyes.”

Zachariah’s face tightened in anger. “I think I preferred it in Latin.” Composing himself, Zachariah stood up so that he loomed over Castiel, glaring into his eyes like a mad dog that had caught sight of an intruder. “You will be paid for every mass you say. You’re not to go out after dark.”

Castiel tilted his chin defiantly. “Fine.” He had no intention of obeying.

Castiel stalked out of the kitchen and into his bedroom. There was a sound of footsteps behind him, and suddenly Gabriel was in Castiel’s bedroom too, shutting the door tightly.

“ _I want that door left open!”_ Zachariah shouted from the other side.

“He’s chaperoning us.”  Gabriel whispered as if he were sharing a secret. “I can’t believe him!”

     “Maybe if we’re quiet he’ll leave.”

     “I’ve got a better idea.” Gabriel smiled wickedly, and then he let out a long loud pornographic moan. “OH YES, CASSIE!”

     “What are you doing?” Castiel hissed. Gabriel only winked at him. “OH FUCK YEAH, GIVE IT TO ME BIG BOY!”

Castiel caught on and started to join in. “YOU LIKE THAT? YOU LIKE MY DICK?”

     “OH, CASSIE, I LUUURVE YOUR MAN MEAT. GIVE ME-Cassie, stop _giggling_ \- GIVE ME THE SWEET SWEET JUICE OF YOUR FORBIDDEN FRUITS!”

     Castiel couldn’t help it. He slid down to the floor, howling with laughter. Gabriel plopped down next to Castiel, giggling madly. “How-how was it for you?”

 

-

 

It was Sunday morning, only a couple of hours before Mass and Castiel was three miles away from the church, standing outside of a pale green wooden door. He knocked, and a few seconds later the door opened to reveal Lilith Masters wearing only a bright yellow bathrobe and an angry glare.

Castiel gulped nervously. “May I speak to Meg, please?”

“No you may not.” Lilith started to shut the door, but Castiel caught a glimpse of dark hair and pale kin behind her. Castiel forced the door open wider so that Meg could be clearly seen.

“Meg, I'm so sorry!”

“I'm closing the door now, Father Novak.”

“Please forgive me!”

“I don't want to close it in your face Father-”

“Forgive me, Meg!”

“-But I will if I have to. Will you just leave?”

“Forgive me-“ The door slammed shut in his face, but Castiel saw the small nod that Meg had sent his way.

 

-

 

     Castiel entered Mass late, the sound of closing door causing the parishioners to all turn and stare at him. Angry muttering filled the church as Castiel hurried to the front of the church to join Gabriel.

“There he is…” A man in the front pew said loudly as Castiel passed him. “There's the bum boy.”

Gabriel made no effort to hide the look that he gave to the man. “So, as you can see, Father Novak is here with us today-

“I'm sorry, father, but this is out of order.” The Man who had spoken earlier stood up. “This definitely out of order!”

“And why is it out of order, Mr. Crowley?”

Fergus Crowley glared up at the altar where the two priests stood. “Because this a joke. This is a laughingstock. You,” He pointed at Castiel. “You are making a laughingstock of my faith!” Crowley shuffled out of the pew and started to stalk up the aisle to the door, followed by his son. “Come on, Gavin. We’re leaving.”

“Will you tell me why?” Gabriel shouted, following the trio.

“Oh, for God’s sake, Father!” Crowley spun around and jabbed Gabriel hard in the chest with his finger. “You shouldn't need telling, should you? Am I supposed to have respect for _that_?” He shot a look of disgust towards where Castiel still stood by the Altar. “Am I supposed to take communion from _that_?”

     “Fine. “Gabriel took a step back. “If you don't like it... if you can't give this man compassion... then _go_!” Gabriel turned his back on Crowley who stood stiff. “I don't want you sitting here too anally retentive, too embarrassed to make a scene!” The parishioners all stared at Gabriel looking increasingly more uncomfortable. “If you object to this man's presence, “Gabriel pointed at Castiel. “Then _go_.

“It's in the bible!” Crowley interjected angrily. “The _Bible_! Do you read the bible, Father Novak? Do you, you pervert? It's there in black and white! ‘You shall not lie with a male as with a woman. It is an abomination’!"

     “’In my father's house there are many mansions.’" Gabriel spat, jumping to Castiel’s defense. “’We're all sinners’. All of us. That's why Christ went to the _FUCKING CROSS_!”

“’ _And the lord rained upon Sodom and Gomorrah brimstone and fire_!’" Crowley shouted into Gabriel’s face, and Castiel was surprised when Gabriel didn’t punch him.

" _’Let him who is without sin among you cast the first stone_!’ I don’t need to remind you of _your sins_ , Fergus!”

     Crowley turned beet red with anger. “ _’Keep my statutes and my laws AND DO NONE OF THESE ABOMINATIONS_!’"

" _JUDGE NOT THAT YOU BE NOT JUDGED!"_ Spit flew from Gabriel’s mouth as he screamed at Crowley. " _Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me... you know what the Holy Father says about it? ‘AND I FORGIVE HIM_!’”

"’And lot's wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt!’” Crowley shoved Gabriel and there was a collective gasp from the people.

     Rage filled Gabriel’s eyes and he shoved Crowley back, causing the larger man to stumble backwards. “ _Who was the first to see Jesus when he was risen_? Mary Magdalene, a prostitute. SHE WAS A FUCKING _WHORE_.”

“’ _JESUS WEPT’_!” Grabbing his son by the arm, Crowley spun on his heel, and stalked out of the church, letting the heavy wooden doors slam behind him.

Gabriel yanked the door open and shouted out of it. “PEACE BE FUCKING WITH YOU, YOU POMPOUS DOUCHEBAG!” Angrily, Gabriel shut the door again and turned to face the congregation. “How dare you turn your back on this man!” He gestured angrily to Castiel. “How dare you do this, and call yourselves Catholics?”

“Gabriel…” Castiel left his spot from behind the Altar and made his way to where his friend was standing. “Gabriel, don’t blame them.”

Gabriel’s shoulders sagged and he looked unfathomably sad. “You don’t deserve this. “They,” He glared at the still staring parishioners. “Don’t deserve to have you.”

“They don’t have me. This was going to be my last mass.” Castiel turned to face the people in the pews and the only regret he felt was that things had ended the way that they had. “I sincerely wish you all the best!” Castiel turned to leave, whispering to Gabriel that he’d be back at home at around nine pm. Then, He left. Castiel strode out of the church, feeling an inner peace that he had never before been privy to. Castiel walked to the church parking lot where a large black car was waiting. And in the car was a beautiful man who loved him. 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
